You’d Think I had the calves of Princess Fiona

I am currently harboring a serious rage against all dress winter boots. Boots like this for example:

Actually, boots EXACTLY like that, which I ordered, from my beloved Zappos because they have such a lovely and wide selection, because they have free shipping, and free return shipping, and they tell you things like how big around the shaft of the boot SUPPOSEDLY is. But look at that lovely, stable, wedge heel, the lovely tall boot. It was perfect. Except.

This boot is described as having a 16″ shaft at its widest. Below is a very bad photo I took with my phone of me measuring my calf at its widest. Note it is just shy of 15″. On the 14 and 3/4 side of 15″. So one would think that I had at least an inch to spare.

This is another very bad photo of my leg. I know, SEXXHAY. But I wanted to document for the masses that I in fact do not have the calves of Princess Fiona from Shrek, in her ogre mode. I have quite normal sized, normal shaped calves. Even though the angle on it makes it look HUGE, I assure you, it is a normal sized leg. Now, if we were talking about my thighs, we might have a different conversation. But my calves are lovely.

And yet, AND YET! This is the second pair of boots I have purchased, which SAY they will fit, which I cannot get zipped up past the lower part of my calf, just about half way up my calf.

Who are these boots designed for? Any boot for that matter, because this is the second pair that I have had this trouble with. This time, if I am still of the mind that I would like a pair of dress boots for the winter by this time tomorrow, I will go to DSW where I can try on 30 pairs of boots and display my shamefully humungous calves in public for all to see. For now I must comfort myself with sassy reviews of these boots on the Zappo’s site. When they ask “How could we have avoided this return” I will remark they should suggest to shoe makers that they make boots women with normal sized calves can actually wear; not just boots for half starved waifs. That’ll show ’em.

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