No, this blog is not closing for business. But my uterus is.
Has anyone else noticed the recent inundation of shows and movies about Snow White? We have Once Upon a Time on ABC, which takes Snow White and brings her into modern day. And then there is not one but TWO movies coming out based on the Snow White story, one with Julie Roberts as the evil queen and the other with Charlize Theron in the same role. I am not sure what is up with this renewed interest in this fairy tale, but I have a new take on it myself.
Snow White and the Seven Malicious Dwarfs of Menopause. There is our heroine, Snow White, (that’s me) and we have as our seven little leading men: Cranky, Sweaty, Chubby, Itchy, Fitful the Unsleepy, Puffy and Forgetful.
I am currently becoming really good friends with six out of the seven of these little devils. My friend, Flo, has been missing in action for months. The last time she didn’t visit for that length of time I THOUGHT it was Lady Perimenopause knocking on the door. But it was her cousin, Madame Midlife Baby. This time the Lady really has come for tea.
I recently saw my doctor to discuss the fact that I am on uncomfortably good terms with a few of these guys, and I would like to fire them from my crew. I have been working really hard to eat right, and working out 4 or so times a week. I have been enduring Lady Wii’s mocking. Did you know it makes this little “Oooooh” sound when you step on and you haven’t lost any weight but in fact GAINED it? Yes. It does. It is rude. I have been racking up the miles on the treadmill, even getting myself up to a light jog, on an INCLINE, for most of the 30 minutes. I hate running. And still, NOTHING. Or worse, the opposite of what I am supposed to see happening, I gain weight instead of lose it.
As I mentioned in a recent post, I am also itchy. I think I looked just insane enough because of all the itchiness at my appointment that the doc was like “Weeeeeell OKAAAAY, let’s check your thyroid” and PRAISE BE it was finally decided I might benefit from some supplementation. It is my fondest and dearest hope that the itching will subside if not disappear, and that maybe it will help with a few other things. Time will tell.
In the meantime, while I am not experiencing night hot flashes, I am surprised that snow doesn’t melt in my path just from how hot my face gets. It is both uncomfortable and uncomfortable. Yes, I said it twice. Food doesn’t seem to trigger it as much as adrenalin. Like when I work out. So YAY! I work out, get all hot faced, and I don’t lose weight. And when I sing. Here I am doing something I love, and I am positive that if I look in the mirror I am going to see this staring back at me:
Studies on global warming are going to have my picture in the sidebar.
(This is really Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider, new movie coming out in February. Check out the trailer here)
As for the other dwarfs, I am consciously trying not to let Cranky rule the day but by the GODS if my dog Poncho doesn’t stop knocking at the doggy door and just COME IN ALREADY he may find himself stuffed and mounted over the fireplace. No not really, but I do get cranky.
I am trying to mitigate Puffy by drinking plenty of green tea and water, but that means the fact that the bathroom outside my office is lacking essential equipment like a toilet and sink becomes even more of an inconvenience. But hey! BONUS! I have to go downstairs to use the bathroom, which means extra exercise! That isn’t doing anything!
My favorite dwarf is Forgetful. Much like Bashful in the original saga, Forgetful is cute, cuddly, and thanks to Sweaty is also rosy cheeked. But he is also freaking annoying. I hate making lists, but my iPhone and whiteboard have become my newest tools in the fight against missing deadlines and forgetting to buy milk at the store. I have been reduced to writing down we need milk. We use it ALL THE TIME, and yet I need to remind myself to buy it.
The universe finds me amusing. This is the only explanation I have for my life sometimes.