Things I Cannot Do…

A recent post over at Chookooloonks by the lovely and talented Karen W. inspired me to write my own list of Things I Cannot Do.

1. A cartwheel. Never have been able to. Actually, this entire list could be made solely of gymnastics related activities, such as back bends, climb the damn rope, do a split, etc.

2. Ice skate. I have tried, throughout my 47.5 years in this go around at life to ice skate. I fall down. My ankles, which generally are quite reliable about holding up my body, even in heels, collapse like a bad souffle the moment I stand up in ice skates. Roller blades present the same issue. Old school, four wheeled, two sets, side by side roller skates are not as problematic. Then it is more of a stopping before I die issue.

3. Whistle. I am, always have been, much to the amusement of my brother, completely whistle impaired. Nary a toot, tweet or other whistle related sound can be issued from my lips. I cannot produce a whistle with my fingers in my mouth either. I can however make a thick blade of grass shriek, causing all dogs in a 5 mile radius howl.

4. Make an omelette. Not that I have really tried that hard, but at that critical point when it should be folded over into an omelette, it becomes scrambled eggs. But in general I am OK with that. Still tastes good.

5. Grow a Chia Pet. I can grow a lot of things plant related. So far I have failed in the Chia department. It is humbling.

6. Do a head/hand stand. This is sort of related to the gymnastics issue, but is more of a yoga issue at this time in my life. I have never been able to maintain a head or hand stand, even when I was 5 and made solely of core muscles, unlike now where my core muscles are less muscles and more gelatinous mass. I resent that almost every yoga class beyond a beginner level insists that we should not only DO inversions, but LOVE THEM. Have you SEEN ME I say to the instructors. This body was built for strength poses like warrior. My center of gravity defies inversions.

7. Put all of my clothes away. Ask anyone who has ever lived with me. I am constitutionally incapable of being that organized. I go in great spurts where I will get 99% of them put away, but there is always that last sweater, pair of pants, something.

I am sure there are more skills that I lack. I am, in general, OK with my shortcomings. I have come to terms with my lack of gymnastic prowess. I would not have ever made the Olympic team anyway. I have always been OK with my inability to ice skate, but other people in my life have found it baffling, irritating, or in one case, A CHALLENGE HE WOULD CONQUER. In college the adorable Dave M. who also smelled really good most of the time, insisted he could teach me to skate. 2 hours later he admitted defeat. It was not easy being that person, who crushed someone else’s sense of self worth, but it isn’t like I do not want to ice skate. I watch those lovely figure skaters and ice dancers every winter olympics and just dream of gliding across the ice, and then jumping and spinning ever so gracefully. But alas, I really cannot ice skate.

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