How to fail at baking bread…

A Christmas or two ago I asked for and received a bread machine. I had never baked bread before. I admit to being wildly intimidated by the whole letting it rise, beat it back down, let it rise again process. And bread dough is very sticky. I was fairly sure it was going to be more work than it was worth.

But I had visited my parents, and observed the ease with which my mother produced a warm, lovely smelling and tasting loaf of bread from her bread machine. I observed that it was almost idiot proof.

Almost. Turns out that appearances can be deceiving. I was very wrong. I have probably made a dozen or so loaves of bread now with my machine, and less than half of them were made correctly.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I have a bread machine cook book, with lovely, easy to read and follow instructions. I have a bread machine, and all of the requisite ingredients. In theory, it is as easy as putting the ingredients in the machine and pressing START.

In theory. Yesterday I tried a new recipe. A flax seed whole wheat recipe. I managed to get all of the ingredients in correctly, but then accidentally hit the Fast Bake button instead of the Start button. What should have taken 3 hours to knead, rise, knead and bake took one hour and did NOT come out right at all. This is the most dense loaf of bread you have ever seen. It will come in handy when I try taking up curling as a sport this winter.

Previously I have put in not enough flour, forgotten to put the little paddle that kneads the bread, or selected the wrong crust darkness or length of time to cook. One time I put in WAY too much yeast, and the loaf swelled up and pressed against the window in the lid, threatening to explode and consume my kitchen like some bizarre children’s story.

Some of the mistakes have still turned out as edible loaves of bread. But yesterday, when the machine beeeeeeped its announcement that it was ALL DONE baking, and I stared in the window at this little, very dense pile of partially baked dough, I really had to question exactly how inept a person are you to fail at baking bread, in a bread machine, more than once. More than thrice. Pretty damn inept.

Hi, my name is MidLyfeMama, and I am incapable of successfully working a bread machine.


1 Comment

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One response to “How to fail at baking bread…

  1. Haha! Oh my, thank goodness the yeast monster didn’t explode and consume your kitchen.

    I make bread without a bread machine. I woould love to have one, but we have a small kitchen with no more room for any gadgets.

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